A tale of meat ban & Chris Martin’s ‘hushed’ visit to Mumbai

  A tale of meat ban & Chris Martin’s ‘hushed’ visit to Mumbai

 

There can be only one thing more intolerable in this universe than a Chris Martin falsetto-howl. It’s Chris Martin doing a falsetto-howl while fully engaged in the ’indoo festival of ’oli.

Actually, correction. The absolutely worst thing in this universe has to be Coldplay fans in India with ‘Yellow’ as their mobile ringtone swooning at the thought of Chris Martin doing his signature falsetto-howl while fully engaged in playing Holi.

The man and his buddies who make up Coldplay were here in the hot sun of Mumbai earlier this week to shoot a music video. How do I know this? Well, a Mumbai publication quoted a source saying, “Their trip is being kept as discreet as possible because they want to steer clear of the paparazzi.”

Which was promptly followed by publicity photos of the band tactically smattered with Holi colours at Worli Gaon emoting among less tactically Holi coloured-smattered kids. Even while the stills from the shoot automatically qualify Martin for the 2016 Bono Award for Most Sensitive Pop Star, Anil Kapoor must have sacked his agent for not informing that Danny Boyle was here making a sequel of Slumdog Millionaire — tentatively titled Slumdog Billionaire thanks to the weakening rupee.

Of Apple, Fish & Meat

Now I have nothing against Chris Martin. Okay, who am I kidding? I have lots against Chris Martin that goes beyond that falsetto-howl of his. For starters, what do you say about a man who became a vegetarian because Gwyneth Paltrow was a vegetarian and who then starts gorging on meat again the moment the two got divorced earlier this year after a year of ‘conscious uncoupling’?

Martin’s response to getting back to chomping on meat — despite having one of his children being named Apple — is revealing. “The honest answer why I changed is because I thought you can eat something that you should be able to kill. I mean ‘Could you kill a fish?’ I would not like it, but I probably could eat the fish,” said the man who was once adjudged the world’s sexiest vegetarian.

But what is even more revealing is how close his explanation for fish-slaughter is to the reply that the Maharashtra government’s lawyer Anil Singh gave to the Mumbai High Court when the latter asked why it was asking for a selective ban on meat and chicken and not on fish: “Fish die the moment they are out of water.

So there is no slaughter involved.” So is it just me or do you also find it a wee bit suspicious that Mumbai’s earlier plan of having eight days without meat was truncated first to four days, then only two days, just as Chris ‘No More Vegan’ Martin was visiting Mumbai?

My Saudi sources tell me that the Coldplay frontman apparently had threatened to pull the music video crew out of Mumbai and shoot it at Bengaluru because a vegetarian fare would have reminded him of Gwyneth. But an intervention from an anonymous fan in a powerful position, related to a now-departed fan of Michael Jackson, may have prevented Martin and his gang from having to suffer only vada pav and other herbivorous niceties.

Coldplay’s appearance in Mumbai can mean either of two things. One, that India is now a hot destination for big international acts like Coldplay. Or it could mean that Coldplay has now entered the tunnel which will ultimately lead to the grazing grounds of ex-Big Acts who are now looking for new markets such as India for future retirement kitties.

Hope against Hope

Considering that over the last few years, we’ve had the likes of Iggy Azalea, Mumford & Sons, Major Lazer and DJ Snake coming to India to make their music videos, it should become pretty evident that Coldplay has joined a rather dodgy bunch here. Australian rapper Azalea’s video for ‘Bounce’ had Bollywood dancers and the mandatory elephant. Britmumblers Mumford & Sons’ video for ‘The Cave’ had the members zipping on girls’ scooties along Goa’s roads (one of them has ‘Sania’ clearly written on it) and a wedding band in it.

American EDM group Major Lazer teaming up with French DJ and rapper DJ Snake — and featuring Danish singer (sic) MØ — had in their video of ‘Lean On’ gyrating Bollywoodish dancers and a giant tub strewn with rose petals (but no Shah Rukh Khan in it to make it a beauty soap advertisement).

And now we have Coldplay doing their (suitably sensitive multi-culti) ‘Rang Barase’ shoot. One hopes — against hope, of course — that the video of the song from their forthcoming album ‘A Headful of Dreams’ will be released around Holi, which falls on March 23 next year. But then, does the Spotify Most Streamed Band of the Year 2014 really need to come out with a music video depicting Holi to coincide with Holi? Chances are that talks are already on with the Worli authorities to shift the date of Holi next year to whenever ‘A Headful of Dreams’, or at least the music video, will be launched worldwide.

Coldplay in Mumbai isn’t quite The Beatles in Rishikesh. Or Led Zeppelin in Bombay. At best, it’s as good as Chris Martin turning up at Delhi’s Summer Smoke House Bar in July and doing an impromptu falsetto-howl acoustic set. As for when the group will actually perform for Indian fans, well, if I’m pessimistic, I would say since The Rolling Stones took 51 years before they came to India, Coldplay fans can look forward to 2047. If I’m optimistic, then it should be never. And just for the record, everything’s not yellow. Aa-ooooo